Maurilio Amorim

Category: personal growth

A Reminder that Happiness is a Choice

We often cannot choose our circumstances, but we can always choose our attitude. I was reminded of this maxim recently as I sat down to eat at The Coffee Shop, a small breakfast and lunch restaurant in Marathon, (pronounced Mer-thon) Texas, population 450.

The place looked like something out of a 1950 movie set: an old corner building with a few tables outside and a few more inside. A couple of local men in cowboy hats mingling inside and a few visitors to the area having their breakfast outside. As it turns out a lot of people come from all over the world to visit Marathon, a town in the middle of nowhere in west Texas. The vastness and the “lost-in-time” feel of the area attract people who want to experience the grandeur of the American West.

Francine waited on me and had a notebook filled with names of people and the places they were from. She was well into her 70’s. But her attitude was contagiously fun. “I work for Nancy. She owns the place,” she said. “She’s also my cousin.”

A few minutes later, I met Nancy. She was a spry, diminutive woman with a big smile. By all accounts she should long be retired and spending her days playing bridge. But she owned the only coffee shop in town. And along with her two cousins, both well past retirement themselves, she’s been running the place for the past 3 years.

After I asked her a few questions about the business, she pulled up a chair and told me her story and the circumstances that had landed her as a business owner late in life. Nancy lost her husband to cancer 8 years ago. “I had to do something with my life and I needed to work,” she said without one bit of resentment or regret. “After the man I used to work for closed his restaurant down the street, I decided to open mine.” She smiled big and the lines on her face told the story of a long, hard life while her words were positive and filled with hope.

I was instantly drawn to Nancy and her unflappable optimism. “People ask me why I’m always positive after all that has happened to me. Well, who wants to hear me complain anyway?” she says through the smile that hasn’t left her face since we began the conversation. Francine overhears her and chimes in, “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade!” And then they both disappeared behind the small restaurant door.

I took a bit of inventory and thought of the times I have felt like life treated me unfairly, of the times I’d felt robbed of what I deserved, or of all the times I had felt sorry for myself because things didn’t turned out the way I wanted them to.

I’m keeping Nancy’s picture nearby as a reminder that while I cannot control my circumstances, I can control my attitude. Life is going to give me lemons. I’m committed to make lemonade and even a lemon pie if necessary. I just don’t want to sit around and complain. After all, I agree with her: who wants to hear my complaints, anyway?

Who has inspired you with their attitude? How has it impacted you?

August 7, 2012
We Must Pull The Band-Aid Before We Can Heal

Often the anticipation of the pain is far greater than going ahead and “pulling” the proverbial band-aid. We all have been there…the sense of dread, the knot in the pit of the stomach, the worry about the fall-out.

I have seen organizations and individuals go through a season of angst due to an impending decision that keeps getting postpone time and time again because the decision maker fears the confrontation and whatever consequence that might come from it.

Years ago I remember postponing letting a team member go because of the knowledge base that person had on a lot of different projects within our company. The longer I delayed, the inevitable the worst things got with clients and the rest of the team.

In the same way, I remember being in angst for weeks over a difficult conversation I knew I had to have with someone close but didn’t want to deal with the potential pain associated with it. The conversation was difficult but it began the healing process. The days getting there were torturous.

And much like a child who doesn’t want his wounds dressed for fear of feeling even more pain, I lived in discomfort, worry, and anxiety every postponed moment–every wasted opportunity I had to make things right—to speak my heart…to right a wrong.

Perhaps there’s a band-aid in your life that’s long overdue to be removed, and you have postponed it for way too long.

What would it take for you to finally do it?

July 31, 2012
Making Your Best Choice

Transition is inevitable. Sometimes we choose to make a move and sometimes we are thrust against our will into a completely new timeline, not of our choosing. But during the times we choose to make a move and to transition, whether it be a job or a relationship, I find that too often we run from something or someone into something or someone else.

Too often I find people, myself included, exchange one set of problems for another…one pattern of bad behaviors for another, sometimes with even more dire consequences. Why do we do that? Why do we escape from the fire into the frying pan?

I’m not a psychologist, but a bit of introspection lately gave me a hint. If I don’t know what I want, I cannot make a clear choice. I cannot say “no” to a mediocre offer or to another difficult relationship unless I know what I really want.

It’s easy to say “no” to something good when there’s a deeper “yes” within.

And to know what I want, I have to come to grips with who I am or whom I want to become. Yes, more existential than most posts, but I believe that unless we can frame our choices on the basis of what’s important to us, our worldview, then we’ll continue to move from job to job, from failed relationship to failed relationship.

Big question: Do you know what you want?

July 17, 2012
Dealing with Difficult People: The Disrespectful Jerk

There’s nothing more difficult than dealing with a friend or client who is negative, often disrespectful, and yet completely unaware of his behavior. In my experience, people who are insecure are also not self-aware. So a heart-to-heart about their self-centered ways usually doesn’t work. They will generally deflect that to you and try to play the victim–which is their preferred position. Sometimes they will apologize not because they think they have done something wrong, but because they think you are mad at them and they want to be back in your good graces. It’s not “I’m sorry I have wronged you,” as much as it is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” See the subtle and yet important difference? Here’s my approach:

So we need to break the cycle of abuse, and the only way I have been able to do that is to wait until another “infraction” happens. Talking about the past seldom works because of the insecurity and the distorted perception of events. The moment it happens: a snide remark or a slight put down, you need to take control of the conversation in the most calm and rational way possible. Stop it in its tracks. I have said something like this before:
“Your last comment bothered me.” He will look puzzled and say “Why?”. And then you need to be honest and calm and let him know why his words were disrespectful. “I was just kidding.” is often the cheap way out.

“It doesn’t matter if were you kidding or not, the impact is the same on me. As a matter of fact, these types of disrespectful comments have hurt my feelings for a while now. I value our relationship and want to make sure you know that it bothers me.” He can either say “I’m sorry, I had no idea.” or he can blow you off and tell you that you are making too much out of nothing.

The next time it happens, you do the same thing. If he is not able to see the point, that should be a good indicator that you either accept the status quo and allow for the abuse to continue, or you walk away from the relationship.

How have you dealt with the disrespectful jerks in your life?

July 5, 2012
Becoming a Good Consultant: How to Get There
“I would like to become a consultant. How do I get there?” I get that question quite often. While the answer might not be a simple one, I can tell you it’s more than the proverbial “guy with a PowerPoint presentation from out of town.” While there’s no ultimate consultant’s manual, here are guidelines I have followed in consulting that have served me well :
- You must genuinely like people, or you’ll hate consulting.
- Know your stuff. People’s future depends on that.
- Listen more than you talk.
- You first priority is to solve a problem, not to sell a product.
- You must understand the pain of the leader before you can help him fix the organization.
- Be truthful, be firm, but be kind.
- Some people respond to the potential loss they want to avoid, others to the opportunity they can seize. You better know which one you’re talking to.
- You can only lead as far as your client is willing to follow. Know when to stop.
- Be able to connect the dots between where you client is and where they need to be.
What else would you add to the list?
June 7, 2012
This is Not the Way to Thank Someone

A handwritten thank you note is one of most personable and kind things one can do whether in a business transaction or on a personal level. I don’t care how bad your handwriting is, it’s always a pleasant surprise to receive a note from someone who went to the trouble to write it out and mail it to you. I love it, and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t. But sometimes even something simple as a thank you note can backfire if it’s not executed properly.

So you can imagine how glad I was to get a thank you note from someone on his personal stationary. However, the label with my name on the envelope should have given it away, but I still opened it hoping for the best. It was not to be.

Obviously this was a generic “thank you” printed on personal note stationary. And to make it even more disappointing it wasn’t even signed. The whole thing was ruined for me. I now wished the person hadn’t even bothered to tell his secretary to send it out. Maybe I’m too sensitive, but I’ve tried to think of the gesture, but the botched execution is the only thing I can focus on.

Moral of the story:

No matter what your intentions are, you’re going to be judged on the execution.

I heard it just today “he’s a visionary, but he can’t execute anything.” I call that happy talk: it means nothing, just hot air. Too many people have a vision but only those who find a way to make it happen will be rewarded.

Am I too sensitive on this issue? Should I have been happy with the generic thank you, since at least I got one?

May 8, 2012
We Should Age But Never Grow Old

Aging is a matter of the mind. And yet I tell my body everyday that and it still aches and hurts every time I go out on a run. The truth is that, for the most part, aging stinks. But you can live a long time and never get “old” a.k.a crabby, bitter and demanding. Well, by those standards there are days that I could be considered old, very, very old.

We can’t stop gravity and time from slowing us down,but we can stop aging from robbing us of a full life. If you don’t think so, just take a look a this video.

Question: How do you stay young?

April 24, 2012
Excellence vs Perfectionism and the Cost of the Impossible

No one will argue that we must strive for excellence. After all who wouldn’t want a life, a business, a team, a ministry built on the best we can do and become. It’s the ultimate calling of a believer: to give our best to God no matter the task at hand. But those of us who are perfectionists, even the reluctant ones (and I will include myself in this group) will hide our true agenda of the pursuit of the never-attainable perfection behind the noble pursuit of excellence. This is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. Find a reason that no one can argue with…excellence…and hide underneath it a more nefarious motivation…the pursuit of the impossible.

But in my struggle with the perfect, I have learned that ultimately, perfectionism costs me not only a lot personally, but it can wreak havoc in the organizations I lead. After all…

It is demanding.

It is insatiable .

It is ungrateful.

It is selfish.

Perfectionism mocks excellence as an unfinished good. It shuts down new opportunities on the altar of incomplete business. It dismisses talent by its impossible standards. It destroys relationships by its unreasonable expectations.

Perhaps it’s time for some of us to lift the sheep skin and expose the monster underneath.

How has perfectionism, whether yours or someone else’s, impacted your life?

February 28, 2012
When You Feel You Have Lost Your Influence

I wonder from time to time if the stuff I write on this blog really matters. Does it ultimately help anyone, or am I rambling on about things that no one really cares? I know that it often helps me to process thoughts and ideas and even to crystallize a concept that has been brewing in my mind for a while. But what about the rest of the people who read these posts? When I question my effectiveness, the reach of my influence, I am thankful for days like today.

I opened an email that read:

“You didn’t know it when you posted this, but I was influenced greatly by it. I was feeling “restless” just before Thanksgiving and your post opened me up to some new possibilities. As it turns out, I have taken a a new job. . . .”

You might be struggling with feelings similar to mine. Maybe it’s not your writing, but your

contribution at work,

your influence on a wayward son or daughter,

a difficult relationship that seems hopeless,

a career that feels stalled.

Let me encourage you to keep going. This email has been a reminder of a lesson I’ve learned long ago: we can never know our influence. So don’t stop doing what you believe you should do, speaking into the lives of those who often don’t respond the way you think they should, doing the work you think needs to be done. It’s hard to pour yourself into what seems to be a vacuum of response. But while it might not be instant and the way you like it, your influence is certain.

What area of your life you new to renew your commitment and move forward?

January 4, 2012
Are You Really Making a Difference?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making a difference for my clients. Then there are days like yesterday.

Recently I connected with a pastor I had done some strategic work several years ago. I remember our first meeting and how much work I knew it would take for his church to become an outwardly-focused, evangelistic congregation. This was not just cosmetic changes, but a fundamental shift in the way he did ministry. It was going to be costly, in terms of losing core people who liked the circle-up-the-wagons approach to ministry they had, and costly in the terms of all the dollars that would walk out of the door along with those people.

As we reconnected and he shared what God has done in his congregation since those days, I was blown away. I was right. It was a painful transition, and they did lose a lot of people, but I’m thankful that the story doesn’t end there.

Since my work with the lead team, the church has grown by an average of a 1,000 people every year! And most of the growth is not from disgruntled members from other congregations. It has come from reaching those outside the faith.

As my friend shared his last five-year journey with me, I was moved to tears. I was humbled to have been a small part, a catalyst of sorts, who help them take a good church and turn it into a great one.

I’m so thankful for our meeting. I needed it. Sometimes we work hard and wonder if what we do is truly making a difference. I know my clients who lead not-for-profits, universities, churches and ministries wrestle with that question almost on a daily basis. Yesterday was a reminder that what I do matters.

Think about your life: your family, friends, clients. How often have you asked yourself, “Am I getting through at all?” I know I ask that about most exchanges with my teenage boys. And while there might not be immediate signs of life, I know that those seeds need to be planted, even when I think it’s going to fall on infertile soil.

Let me encourage you to continue to grow and do what you do with passion and excellence. It’s easy to give up when you cannot see immediate results.

Do you ever feel like I felt and questioned your contribution to those around you? How do you deal with that feeling?

November 30, 2011