Maurilio Amorim

Author: Maurilio Amorim

The Art of Giving Bad News

No one likes to receive bad news. But being the bearer of bad news is not much fun either. Seems like the past few weeks I have found myself delivering the kind of messages I wish someone else would do. I want to deliver happiness, fat checks, and great looking food. But there are times we all need to “suck it up,” and give people news that will disappoint, hurt and even devastate. So how do you do that well? I’m not sure I’m doing it well, but as I thought about the circumstances I’ve been lately, I tried to put myself in the other person’s shoes. If someone is going to give me bad news, how would I like for it be done? Here are some thoughts:

Be kind. Difficult conversations are painful by nature. So there’s no need to make them any more hurtful. Tell me the bad news but don’t make me feel any worse than I already feel. I’ll always remember this conversation and how you approached it.

Be honest. Speaking the truth in love is a biblical mandate. Don’t skirt the issue and don’t sugar coat it. Please tell me what the real problem is. In order to avoid the same fall out down the road, I need to be aware of the real reason for the conflict or outcome, not just a more palatable version.

Be silent. Once you say your peace, let me process, respond or just cry. Some people feel the need to fill every second with words. People in shock need time to regain their bearings. Being silent creates a healthy tension and gives me time to respond.

Be available. Some news you never see coming. They blindside you like a Mac truck blowing through a stop sign. A gracious person will always leave the door open for a follow up conversation or clarification if necessary.

Have I missed anything?

January 18, 2011
What Should The Church Do With Boomers?

As the first of 77 million baby boomers reach retirement age, their annual spending power is estimated at 2 trillion dollars. Businesses are working hard at creating Boomer-centric products from cars to ovens while marketers are coming up with innovated ways to sell these products and services to the most affluent generation ever to walk on earth. But what’s the church strategy to reach, engage and deploy this generation? Mostly a seat on a church board.

While this is not a scientific or even researched post, I speak from the perspective of someone who gets to visit a lot of churches and happens to be very at the very tail end of the Boomer generation. Most of the funding for new buildings, capital expenditures and programs come from the 45-65 year olds. It makes sense; we have been in the work force longer and have accumulated more discretionary wealth, and unlike retirees of the past on fixed income, Boomers’ paychecks are the largest around. Therefore we’re asked to serve on boards.

Churches everywhere have successful middle aged men and women in leadership meetings. We are expected to give great advice and even greater checks. But if that’s all we are expected to do, the church will miss a big opportunity: to harness the energy and passion of a generation that has refused to grow old.

Unlike our preceding generation, the Builders, Boomers are not only wealthier, we are healthier with an active lifestyle that rivals even that of the young Millennials. But while we can write you a check, we can give you more than money. Yes, much more. And unlike our parents, we don’t mind the loud music, the fog machine, or shoeless worship leaders. Bring it, worship boy. We grew up with AC/DC. Chris Tomlin does not scare us.

So my counsel to the church that wants to reach out to Boomers: don’t give us a building to fund. Give us a passion to pursue. Yes, you’ll get the building thrown in with everything else that comes from being fully engage in ministry. A seat on the board is great and you probably need our experience and wisdom, but a piece of our heart is so much better.

What’s your church doing to engage Boomers?

January 17, 2011
Faith and My Growing Shades of Gray

Years ago life and faith were more black and white than they are today. Maybe I was more self righteous in those days or perhaps a simple “right or wrong” world was a much easier proposition to deal with than the complex place of multiple shades of gray. I know I have changed. I’m not talking about making a big theological shift that would shake the foundation of my faith. But the more self aware I become of my own human condition, the more willing I am to extend grace to those around me.

Life is messy. People screw up. A lot. Even people who should know better do stupid stuff. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself saying “How could he do that?” But I know how. It’s not as hard as I once thought. While I’m not making excuses for people’s sin, I would not want to be the one to throw the first stone.

I’m thankful that God doesn’t call me to be a judge. He’s more than capable of filling that role. The judging business on earth is exhausting and pointless. Trust me, I tried doing it for way too long.

Today is Sunday, and I’m going to church. Unlike some of the places where I have attended and visited, my church is filled with the broken and hurting. I’m ok with that. I’m one of them. As God continues to help me unpack my own personal “junk,” I’m going to extend to the faith sojourners along my path a hand and help them as much as I can. I hope you consider doing the same.

Are you seeing more shades of gray as you age, or is my faith eyesight going bad?

January 16, 2011
5 Enemies of a Team

Yesterday I co-chaired the media and entertainment day for the Leadership Brentwood program. We began the morning at the Dave Ramsey headquarters in the Cool Springs area, south of Nashville. Dave leads a thriving business with more than a dozen profit units. He shared with the group his list of the 5 enemies of a healthy team. According to him, if you don’t protect your team against them, your organization will be in trouble. If you want your team to work to its potential, then protect them from:

1. Poor communication. When people don’t know what’s going on they assume the worst. The combination of human nature and old experiences can help derail your team faster than you can say “I have no idea what’s going on here.” Make sure your internal communication is intentional. Don’t assume that everyone knows what’s going on because they don’t. In my experience there’s no such a thing as over communicating.

2. Lack of shared purposes. If we don’t have common goals nothing happens. A functioning team knows where they are going and they do it together. Make sure you have shared values and purpose. According to Ramsey to get everyone on point “requires a sickening amount of repetition.”

3. Internal gossip. I would call this lack of loyalty. If you’re frustrated you have one option: serve it up the organization; talk with someone in leadership, but don’t complain to people who cannot do anything about it. That doesn’t help anything only creates a destructive force in the organization. If you can’t trust what someone will say behind your back you cannot trust them.

4. Unresolved conflict. When there are disagreements leadership must step in and clean it up. A team that’s not unified cannot have a shared purpose and cannot perform well. Leaders who ignore internal strife and don’t deal with it are hurting the entire organization.

5. Sanctioned incompetence. Incompetence that goes unchallenged demoralizes. You cannot attract and keep great talent when other team members are not pulling their weight and are getting by with it. It’s true in business, ministry, sports and most any arena of life that “A” players do not want to deal with “C” and “D” players. Keep enough turkeys around and the eagles will fly away.

Have you ever experience any of these team enemies?

What else would you add to this list?

January 14, 2011
Bad Leaders and the Curse of Happy Talk

Good leaders are good communicators. There’s no way out of it. Happy talk is their way of casting vision but not accomplishing much. One of the primary functions of a leader is to sell a vision, a destination, or a future to his or her followers. You can’t do that without good communication skills. But a good communicator is not necessarily a good leader. While your oratory skills might get you elected to a prestigious position, it will not keep you there long. I have been in so many meetings led by a good communicator who happens to be a poor leader. Most of goes on in these settings I call “happy talk”: the ability to talk about ideas, projects and initiatives that will never materialize. Chances are, next time the same people convene, some, if not all, of the same subject matter will come back up for discussion again. Happy talk will ensue but nothing will get accomplished afterward. Here’s sure signs you’re sitting through a happy talk session:

The leader’s ideas are grandiose but not rooted in reality. That usually happens when the leader’s idea so far outside the current scope of work and experience that it cannot be accomplished with the available resources. People will listen mostly because they’re getting paid to be at the meeting. You know you’re in the middle of a grandiose speech when you’re thinking “that will never happen.”

There is little or no conviction. The moment someone else in the room question the idea, the leader drops the discussion and moves on to another subject or topic. The leader is not comfortable with conflict and instead of working through the issue, it’s easy to just drop it altogether. Doers need to see how all the dots connect, before they can jump in and embrace a new idea. After all none of us want to get stuck with a project we cannot figure out how to implement. Weak leaders confuse the need for clarity with paralyzing conflict.

There are no implementation goals or time lines. I’ve been in meetings where a new idea is presented by a leader but after hours of “vision casting” we walk out of the room without specific goals, dates and tasks. In my experience, if you don’t have a due date a set of goals and a way to measure a win, chances are nothing will be done until the next time you gather again for another round of happy talk.

What’s your experience with happy talk?

January 13, 2011
This is How Traditional Retail is Going to Survive

Traditional retail is in trouble. More and more people are buying products online. It’s convenient, easy and, for the most part, cheaper than going on a shopping expedition to the local mall. Retailers have noticed that and are trying to figure out what they need to do in order to be competitive. Unless you are Walmart, the retailer behemoth, you know that you can’t compete purely on price. Not long ago while exchanging some Christmas gifts at The Buckle store at the Cool Springs Mall, I was reminded that as far as retail is concerned there’s still no substitute for a great sales person.

I went to the store to exchange of couple of items with no intention of spending any extra money. An hour and a half later, I left with three extra bags. I was thinking on my way out of the store, “what just happened?” Well, I met Logan Lewis; that’s what happened. Here’s how Logan changed my mind from exchanging a couple of items into buying several more pieces:

He positioned himself as a fashion consultant and expert. They guy not only knows the merchandise well, he understands fashion, trends and loves to talk about what different designers are doing with their clothing lines. During our exchange, Logan went from salesman to fashion expert. His knowledge and enthusiasm moved him from someone trying to meet a quota to a trusted source of information as well as as new trends on men’s wear. I found myself trusting his opinion on what looked good on me. I didn’t mind buying more from him because I knew the stuff would look good.

He gave me what I wanted but didn’t stop there. I was looking for t-shirts and he pointed me to their collection and then said “we just got a shipment of Roar shirts in yesterday, I bought this one for myself. Take a look at these.” Suddenly I went to trying on a t-shirt to trying on a series of high-end designer shirts. He put together a jacket, shirt and jeans combination that looked great. I had to try them on.

If traditional retail is going to survive, it will have to be on the shoulders of a great consumer experience. I could have bought most of the stuff I bought from Logan online, but I would not have done it. Not only I spent more money there, I enjoyed talking fashion with someone knowledgeable and friendly. Simply put, you’ll buy from people you like, and you’ll buy even more from people you like who are experts.

What was your last great retail experience?

January 12, 2011
A Promise to My Friends

A life well lived happens in the context of relationships. I’m convinced of that. God designed humans to be in community with one another. That’s why food tastes better when shared with friends and a beautiful sunset experienced with a loved one stays with you forever. But successful marriages, partnerships, or friendships need attention and even what I call “relational promises.” These set of values or promises help me frame my commitment to family and friends in a way that holds me accountable to my end of the relationship. One of the most important promises I make my friends is to always give them the benefit of the doubt. A true friend will defend, uphold and protect publicly, but question privately.

We all have been there–during a conversation a salient tidbit of gossip comes up about a friend who’s not present. Sometimes it’s an accusation by someone who’s been hurt. We have a split second to react. We can nod and agree, we can ignore what’s being said and move on, or we can defend our friend, not matter the verdict of the popular vote.

Years ago I failed a friend by not coming to his rescue during a heated discussion with a group who felt wronged by him. My rationale for keeping my mouth shut was based on the convincing “facts” of the conversation that eventually turned out to be bogus. I chose not to engage the accusers and my silence was an indictment of my friend as far as everyone in the room was concerned.

I remember the disappointment I felt in myself as I confronted my friend with the accusations and heard his side of the story. I felt awful. By being silent I was not being neutral. By not defending a loved one, I shamefully agreed with the mob and failed to do what true friends do: believe the best about those you love.

My promise to my friends is to believe the best in them, to defend them publicly, and to always give them the benefit of the doubt. But I also promise to question and confront them privately in order to make sure they haven’t fallen and need my help getting back up. That’s when you really need a good friend.

What promises do you make to your friends?

January 11, 2011
5 Characteristics of a Growing Church

I spent Sunday morning with my friends at the Church on The Eastern Shore in Fairhope, Alabama, a very eclectic artist community near Mobile. I rejoiced with them as hundreds of new faces visited the church on the opening Sunday of their new teaching series. That’s a part of my job that gives me great satisfaction: watching God bless an entire team’s effort. COTE’s story is one that I have seen happen time and time again, but it never grows old. Here’s what I have seen in churches like COTES that succeed in reaching their community for the gospel.

They learn. Growing churches are learning organizations. They are always asking “how can we be better?” They invest resources and in training and helping their staff and volunteers grow. I’m always humbled when I’m asked to consult with a church and help them to stretch beyond where they’ve been.

They have a heart for those outside the faith. Growing churches know that making room for those outside the faith is difficult, messy and expensive, but they choose to do it because to them, reaching out is not an option.

They go the extra mile. I’ve never seen a growing church that didn’t stretch its resources both human as well as financially. They believe that a job worth doing is worth doing well. God deserves our very best.

They believe. Leaders of growing churches know that a crowd is not a church and that unless God shows up, they had a nice assembly and not an experience with the Living God. A meeting, no matter how well planned and exciting it is, never changed anyone’s life. Only God changes people.

They celebrate. A church is, by nature, a volunteer organization. Smart leaders will take the time to pause and celebrate with their entire organization. Gratitude is the currency of volunteerism.

What have you learned about growing churches?

January 10, 2011
We Need Margins

Margins. They make reading easier by framing words on a page. Margins in our lives serve to keep our existence from more than a hurried, crowded narrative of our daily attempts of self preservation. But it seems that we keep adding just a little more activity, more goals, more work, more debt, more fun, more stuff until the story of our lives reads like a jumbled mess of words filling every white space on the page of our existence. I’ve been reconsidering my own margins. Here’s what I want:

Margin in my schedule. That’s such a struggle. I’m in a season of my life that a lot of the work I have done for decades is finally paying off. That translates in opportunities and those commitments need my time. I’ve worked hard for this and now I’m struggling with it. Without margins on my schedule I can’t find time to volunteer, mentor, and be a friend.

Margin in my finances. If my entire pay check is spoken for before I even get it, then I can never help a friend in need, fund a mission project or just bless someone with a nice dinner.

Margin in my faith. Too often I treat God more like Santa Claus: I come to him hurriedly with my list of needs and wishes and I dump them and just run away. But God often speaks in the still small voice during the quietness of introspection of a prayer that listens as much as it speaks.

So how are the margins in your life? Be honest. Are you trying to fill your schedule with just a little more of __? Are you spending every penny your earn? When was the last time you stopped to listen to God’s voice? I know I have to consciously manage these margins, because left unchecked, they disappear.

What area of your life you’re having the most trouble with creating margins?

January 9, 2011
Death on Facebook: Digital Love, Honor and Kindness

Yesterday I attended the memorial service for Bert Tippett. I met Mr. Tippett during my first week of college. He was a teacher, a dear friend, a mentor, and role model to me of what meant to be a kind, genuine, graceful man who loved God, his family and those around him. A few years ago I had the privilege of working alongside him in a few projects. He was one of the few people, perhaps the only one I have ever known, who was loved and respected by every person he met. His life was a true testament of God’s grace. He lived well and during the last few years, fought cancer valiantly. But Bert didn’t die alone and unappreciated. Interestingly, Facebook had a lot todo with that.

Bert and Dianne Tippett

Mr. Tippett’s 1,904 friends on Facebook kept a steady stream of encouraging messages posted on his wall day and night since he was diagnosed with cancer over 2 years ago. The number grew as his family posted updates of his battle. These weren’t random strangers, but people whose lives had been touched by Bert over decades. Three different times in last’s night service we heard how much Mr. Tippett’s Facebook friends posts meant to him. Now after his passing, his family has received hundreds and soon to be thousands of messages from friends who are praying and thinking of them. The impact of this online community is powerful like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I have shed tears reading through so many heart-felt posts.

I’ve always thought of social media as a tool for connecting faith, life, and work, but in death, it’s even more powerful. While some have proclaimed the evils of Facebook, I have experienced the sacred digital ground where love, honor and kindness embraced an entire family.

What’s has your experience been with an online community?

January 7, 2011