I’m Lowering My Expectations

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You go the extra mile. You reach out and give beyond what  you thought you should give, and yet, there’s nothing in return, or at least not the return you expected. Have you been there with a friend, a family member, a spouse? We all have, and some of us seem to live in a place where we resent people’s lack of gratitude more than we appreciate our relationship with them.

I'm lowering my expectations Maurilio Amorim

It’s difficult to be completely altruistic. It’s not in our human nature. Deep within we are always having the inner conversation that says, “what am I getting out of this?” We do it with God all the time in our bargaining prayers: “God if you let me have such and such, I promise I’ll do  ____” And so we do it with people we love; people we wish would love us back with the same intensity, appreciation and commitment.  That seldom happens.

So today I’m going to try as hard as I can to set my reasonable as well as my  unreasonable expectations aside and see what happens. I’m going to love those around me because I’m being loved by God. I’m going to let them off my relational “hook” and give it a try. Could God’s love for me be enough, even for a day?  Sounds rhetorical, but it’s a real question.

What would happen if we lowered our expectations for those around us and raised our expectations for how we serve them?

  • Great thought specially for a Sunday morning. I'm joining you.

  • Mark Collier

    What an incredible thought. Paradigm-shifting.

    I wonder what that looks like in real-world scenarios where it’s appropriate to have expectations? That’s an honest question I’m asking, not a cheap shot. I think the heart behind the post is absolutely something I need to cultivate within myself. I just don’t know how to process it in many situations where expectations are appropriate ( and yes, there are many where they are indeed appropriate).

  • Pam

    We'd be less stressed and more loving. The world would be a better place. Thanks for the thought today!

  • Context is important. I'm writing a book for women on relationships and one of the chapters is called, "We've lowered our expectations of men". I posted an excerpt on my blog this week, http://www.agathanolen.com, that modern women are pursuers of men. We are so desperate for male attention that we are the first to text or email when we meet someone new, offer to cook dinner, make sure when you are having a bad day that we are there. We offer early sex in the relationship to make sure that we have captured your heart. Then we can't understand when you aren't always adoring. I was that way–I was independent and could do at all. But I was transformed meeting 5 christian guys 3 years ago that have convinced me that we need to have high expectations of ourself and others and christians should go out seeking those. We shouldn't always be looking for "what is in it for me?", but that doesn't equate with lowering our expectations of each other.

    • Agatha, you're completely correct when it comes to a dating and potentially marriage relationship. You should have high standards for both you and your potential mate, but even there, the danger is to look for fulfillment and meaning in a level that those relationships were never intended to fulfill.

      We can never get from others what only God can give us. We will not find meaning and purpose through the love and approval of another human alone. The danger is to replace God with some whom we set our affections and hopes upon. If we do that, we will certainly be disappointed. Every time.

  • jim laymon

    Thanks, I needed to hear this today. I am a pastor who feels under appreciated. There has been no mention of Pastor Appreciation this month from my church. Nothing, Nada, and my wife give and give and give, pray, carry people's burdens, counsel with know thought of thanks. So I really needed to read this blog. It should be enough that God cares and is watching and great will be my reward in heaven.

    • Jim, the pastorate is such a tough job. I know it first hand. For some reason church members believe Pastors don't need encouragement and gratitude since you have it all figured out. I'm glad this post helped. Hang in there.

  • Interesting that when you make these conscious efforts something interesting always happens to stretch that commitment. 🙂

  • Mark Collier

    What an incredible thought. Paradigm-shifting.

    I wonder what that looks like in real-world scenarios where it's appropriate to have expectations? That's an honest question I'm asking, not a cheap shot. I think the heart behind the post is absolutely something I need to cultivate within myself. I just don't know how to process it in many situations where expectations are appropriate ( and yes, there are many where they are indeed appropriate).

    • Mark, in every relationship there are reasonable expectations. Absolutely. Every day we make judgment calls on "what's the minimum I'm willing to accept from this person." When we don't reach that minimum we have a couple of choices: we either lower our expectations or we restructure or dissolve the relationship. Today, I just chose to engage people without expecting anything in return, as much as I'm humanly capable. While I know that's unrealistic on a daily basis, today, at least, I let God take care of the rest.

  • Calin Valean

    Not always easy to maintain a level of commitment in giving away or going the extra mile with those around you esp. when you are as I am, meaning being motivated a lot by a "thank you" or "appreciate you". Life taught me not no expect anymore the same level of emotion as I invested in that action, and on the other hand people like me (us) are "forced" to check our motifs, are we doing it for what we get back from the people or are we doing it because of who God is for us or did to us?

    • If we're truly honest with ourselves, most of the time we're doing something for what we can get back from someone instead of a heart of gratitude and appreciation for what God has and continue to do for us. Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

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