For the Friday post I’m going back to a place where I know and love well and where fun material abounds: the church. How many times have you driven by a church sign that, while well intentioned, it was, let’s just say, poorly executed. These signs speak for themselves even when we wish they wouldn’t.
I’ve been asked to write about how Christian men should communicate on dates by some of the single readers of this blog (all 3 of them). Since I have not been single in over 20 years, I’ve asked my friend KelcieKay Sberna to help me out by sharing her experience in the dating scene. Here’s her account.
This is a list that I have compiled over the past couple years; years filled with bad dates and creepy suitors. I have a career in ministry so I find that my dates are usually evangelical men 25-30 years of age. These are all actual accounts from my dates, however fictitious they might sound. I will marry the man of God who doesn’t commit any of the following crimes.
Sending flowers the day of the date is an excellent idea. However, attaching a note that says “Imagine how much more romantic I will be later” is not. You might as well have written “I’m going to lock you in a basement and make a coat of your skin.”
Words of affirmation may not be your love language. But please don’t throw out compliments like: “You’re beautiful! And the cool thing is that my mom used to say, ‘where beauty lacks in one area of the body it will usually make up for it in another area.’ So you are blessed!” What the heck is that supposed to mean?!?!
Speaking of mothers, it’s always a good sign when a son treats his mother well. It tells a lot about how he treats women. However, “my mother is sexy. I hope my wife looks like her some day. Can I see a picture of your mom?” is just wrong.
I don’t mind movie buffs; however, asking me if I am on Team Jacob or Team Edward and then giving me a 6-point thesis as to why I should be on Team Edward will assure you of no second date. At least not a with a female.
A good Christian man should always take the lead and bless the food before dinner. But please, do not pray this prayer out loud during the date: “And God, should this be the woman I am to marry, please let her spirit speak to her quickly, as the spirit has already spoken to me. For you are the ultimate matchmaker. And bless the food and conversation, amen.” CHECK PLEASE!
Don’t worry, I have not read “The Secret,” and this is not a scientific post. This is however, an observational and experiential commentary on something I have seen happen in my own life with surprisingly positive results. I call it the law of reciprocal attraction. What am I talking about? Simply put, the law of reciprocal attraction can be summarized in the following equation:
positive attitude + interest in others = goodwill
The meetings and exchanges where I have previously decided to enjoy, as in, “this is going to be a good meeting” and have intentionally focused my attention on others in the room and away from myself, are the most enjoyable, productive and often lucrative. I don’t have any scientific data to back up my assertion but my positive attitude combined with a genuine interest in others create a reciprocal attraction.
I’m convinced that a positive attitude alone is not enough because oftentimes people can mistake your positive outlook and confidence for arrogance. That usually changes quickly when you genuinely focus your energy towards the other person or people in the room. Time and again, I have seen this law at work in my life as a consultant and business owner. I think Jesus was on to something when he said: “Whoever desires to become great among you, let him be a servant.”
Public speaking is a difficult skill. You have to engage an audience that’s easily bored. Pastors have some of the most difficult jobs for any communicators out there. They have to produce fresh and relevant content every week, sometimes two or three times a week and present to critics, uh, members who expect their pastor to be on par with world-class communicators. While most every week my pastor friends do an amazing job, they’re also human. Here’s a list of things I wish I had never heard a Pastor say. No names here, you know who you are:
Let’s bring the whole tithe in the whorehouse of the Lord, uh, storehouse that is.
Lot pinched his tits. No, he pitched his tent. Did I just say that?
I’ve upped my pledge to the building campaign, now up yours.
I get paid to be good. You’re good for nothing.
Let everything that has breasts, praise ye the Lord. (Ok, confession: I said that in my first church while reading Psalm 150)
How many deacons does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know because the deacons in this church don’t do jack.
Often small group study is the equivalent of a spiritual quickie.
Words are a powerful and interesting things. With words we build people up or tear down friendships. They are used to bless as well as to curse. I’m a communication professional. I’m deeply flawed and to make matters more complicated, I’m also Brazilian. Brazilians are often fun, but we’re also blunt in ways that make southerners blush. Over the years I have tried not only to adapt to my new adopted country, but also temper my not-so-subtle foreign ways. I have not always succeeded.
Here’s some memorable exchanges I wish I could have taken back:
“I have the best hair money can buy” jokingly to a gentleman at a church I was interning as he commented on how much he liked my hair. I didn’t realize he was wearing a toupee. (it was a good one, after all)
“When are you due?” To my non-pregnant waitress at Cancun restaurant. Twice.
“I meant to tell you before, but you’re actually an adopted monkey we got from the zoo” to my 5-year-old son Marcus as he ran screaming, “MOM is it true?”
“Your grandfather is a hoot” to my college roommate only to find out it was his grandmother I had just met.
“I’m not sure what kind of mirror you have, but I’m sure you didn’t see in it what I’m seeing.” to a friend who had a fashion meltdown.
“Come with me little girl! You can sit on my lap” to a 28-year old midget woman sitting in a church service as I invited her to join me at the children’s story time.
“Haven’t they suffered enough?” to a friend after she told me she was signing up to take food for the Nashville flood victims.
“Sorry,but it looked better on the hanger than it does on you.” To my young wife after bringing home a dress I bought her as a gift. Twenty years later and I’m still paying for it.
I’m glad for forgiveness, second chances and life lessons. But the truth is I can’t ever take those words back. Today I self edit a lot more than ever before, but to people who know me well, it’s not quite enough. My hope is that the majority of comes out of my mouth will be used for building up, instead of tearing down.
I knew I was in trouble even before I began reading a very thought-provoking post on social media by Mitch Joel, Confessions of a Narcissist brought to my attention by Mike Hyatt. The title alone was convicting. In his post, Joel unplugs from the Matrix long enough to see what we have often feared would happen: a feeding frenzy of the cult of ME. Social media has empowered narcissism to a new level and given it legs to run amuck. He poignantly writes:
The true destination for most of our online endeavors really are the new media equivalent of the biblical statues that were presented as deities. These digital shrines that we create to ourselves.
The post hit a nerve with me. Intellectually I know that social or any type of media is inherently neutral. Unlike some who believe Facebook, and Twitter and whatever new social network a 19 year-old starts tomorrow are the new paths to destruction, I realize they are just tools. They serve us; however, we feed them.
I think Mitch Joel is right. We are narcissistic. No, I am narcissistic. Too often my interaction with people is more about me than anyone else.
But what if those of us who claim to be Christ followers decided to redeem our social media footprint for a cause greater than the pursuit of notoriety?
That’s the same question we should ask about the pursuit of riches, influence, knowledge or anything else in our lives. I’ve been fortunate to have known people who made millions so they could give away millions, some who are influential so they could speak for those without a voice. But am I pursuing an ever-growing online audience for their sake instead of mine? Are you?
If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you have read my diatribes on the pitfalls of bad strategy, or the lack thereof, in projects, businesses, and churches. Some of us even have a sophisticated business strategy for our social media presence, but what about a faith one?
What kind of impact could Christians have if we were more interested in helping a world in pain than in how good we look to our digital friends? That’s the question I’ll be wrestling with for the next few days.
The TED conferences in Long Beach and Palm Springs alto have featured some of the best minds in worlds of design, entertainment and technology. Famous for its 18-minute limit per presentation, TED talks have been streamed online millions of times. Recently, Fast Company published a controversial article titled “Is TED the New Harvards?” proposing that TED will become the Harvard of the future. I’m not sure about that, but one thing is for sure TED talks are a hot commodity. If invited to present, you’ll have less than 18 minutes to wow the audience that pays $6,000 to be there and the subsequent millions who might watch your presentation online. Talk about pressure. But don’t fret There’s help.
Sebastian Wernicke, an engagement manager at Oliver Wyman and former bioinformatics researcher, did a statistical analysts of all the publicly available TED talks and used it to create tedPAD—a TED talk generator that draws on the common phrases & keywords from popular talks to help you create the perfect TED presentation. Or, alternately, there’s tedPAD Black, which does just the opposite.
If you’re going to succeed, however don’t ever mention the New York Times. No one who has has ever ranked high.
What’s the best public speaking advice you’ve ever gotten?
“we have a technology problem,” is what I often hear from a client or potential client, but while that might be true, most of the time it’s not the technology problem that’s causing the issue, but a communication one. My company, The A Group, has a technology division where we have developed a sophisticated platform for media-rich tools as well as a powerful and easy-to-use content management system. While I’m happy to sell our products to anyone who needs faster, easier and overall better technology, I’m always careful to make sure people understand that’s the communication strategy that drives the technology and not the other way around.
This might sound simplistic to some, but I can tell you from personal experience that many churches, businesses and not-for-profits believe that a shiny new website, a powerful digital media tool, or an iPhone app will cure their communication problems. They won’t.
What usually happen in the absence of a communication strategy is that the new technology gets misused, or worst, underused because there’s no plan or a champion who understands how to use it. So before spending money on a new website or technology, here’s 3 questions you should ask:
What do I want this thing do to? Sell products? gather leads? create community? share media? You need to have a clear vision for your new website or project. Remember, however, that the more things any one system is designed to do, the more complex and potential less effective it becomes.
Who in the team will be the champion for this project? I’m not talking about a technical position here. This is not a question about technology, but about strategy. Who understands the DNA of the organization to make sure this initiative will “look, feel and work” like it should. In my experience when IT (information technology) drives the project, development focus on platforms or the latest development technique and not on the end-user and their experience, where it should begin and end.
What’s our sustainability plan? Once a project goes live, whether it’s a site or an app, it’s only the beginning. Who are the people responsible for content? What’s the social media elements of the site and who’s going to monitor them? Oftentimes when a client creates a media-rich environment and becomes successful at attracting large traffic, they have to deal with unplanned bandwidth costs. (Think of bandwidth as virtual pipes in and out of your website. The more users you have the bigger the pipes have to be) If your vision is to give your content for free, that’s great, but you need to figure out a way to pay for it.
What has been your experience with technology in the workplace? What have you learned?
Tim Elmore’s new book “Generation iY” has messed me up lately, particularly the chapter on amending the lies we told Generation iY. According to Tim, these are well intentioned platitudes we say to our children in order to encourage them, to build their self-esteem but at their core, they are lies that will potentially wreak havoc as kids get old. According to him, “we have lied to manipulate, and often we have lied out of love. We’ve even taught young people to lie to themselves. . . in ways that will eventually sabotage them as a young adult.”
Out of Dr. Elmore’s list of seven lies, the one that hit me the hardest was:
You can be anything you want to be!
Wait a second Tim, isn’t this part of the American Dream? Don’t people risk everything to come to America so their children can grow in a place they can be anything they want?
But the trouble is that wanting something and being able to achieve it are two very different things. “Desire is not the same as talent, and talent is not the same as accomplishment,” says Elmore. And he is right. If you want to see the consequences of this lie, just watch an audition show of American Idol. It’s eerily sad to see parents encouraging tone-deaf children to continue pursuing a dream that’s just never going to happen, no matter how much affirmation the kid gets.
I love my boys, I want them to think big and I don’t want to put limitations on their lives. But more importantly than blindly telling them that they should strive for an NFL career if that’s what they really want, I need to help them align their strengths with opportunities. I need to help them discovered their sweet spot where they’re most likely to do well and grow in it. Working in an area of one’s weaknesses is exhausting, frustrating and often leads to failure.
So how do you deal with situations where the truth is not what the young person across from you wants to hear?
Last month I spent a few days in Vienna, Austria working with the TWR’s European team. While I didn’t have a chance to enjoy much of what has to offer, I put together a quick slide show of pics I took with my iPhone. The music comes from Vienna’s own Mozart, of course.
I now want to get back to Vienna to explore more of this beautiful city.
Where have you been that you’ve said to yourself, “I’ve got to get back here!”?
