Maurilio Amorim

Author: Maurilio Amorim

5 Communication Styles You Need to Know

I enjoy people. I’m the guy who looks forward to a party to meet someone new as oppose to dreading have to walk in a room full of strangers. Most of the time that I find myself in a new situation, I look forward to making new friends. As gregarious as I am, I have learned that not everyone communicates the same way I do–as a matter of fact there are several different “communication languages” my clients and friends use for their primary mode of communication. Much like the popular “love language” concept where some prefer words of affirmation and others touch or some gifts, these communication styles or languages are key to unlocking the potential in a sales and management relationship.

If you’re in sales (I believe we are all in sales of one form or another), consulting or ministry , the sooner you figure out the best way to communicate with each of your clients or potential clients, the more you can get done.

Here’s 5 different communication styles or languages I have categorized over the years:

1. The Verbal Processor. He wants to talk through all decisions and ideas. There’s a lot of talking that goes on during your exchange with a verbal processor but not form you; it needs to come from him. At the end of a conversation you might be exhausted, but the verbal processor is just getting warmed up.

2. The ADD. (Attention Deficit Disorder). The sooner you get to the bottom line the better. This person often cannot focus on details and minutia and quickly disengages from you if you’re too detailed. Sometimes you’ll be in the middle of a sentence and they’ll say: “hey, look–shiny.” More than once I’ve had great strategic conversations walking through a mall with an ADD leader. The change in pace and scenery helped him to stay on topic for more than 10 minutes.

3. The ADD Texter. Yes, some of my clients have such difficulty focusing that they can’t even stand reading through emails, much less sitting through meetings. They love sending and receiving quick text messages even for important subjects. These folks usually love Twitter.

4. The Mental Processor. They are difficult to read. They might agree or disagree with your point, so it’s hard to keep the discussion moving forward, since there’s usually not much discussion. With this person, you should make your best case and then follow up a couple of days later as they’ve had a chance to think through your proposal.

5. The Face-to-Face Feeler. Some people don’t do well with phone and even teleconferencing. They need to feel the warmth of a visit and reconnect emotionally with you. For them the success of the project or idea is tied to how they feel about it and about you. I can’t tell how many times I’ve heard “this just feels right” when embarking into a pretty large project where the details were either sketchy or non existent altogether.

What other communication style have you experienced?

August 31, 2011
A Relationship Reward Worth The Risk

Nothing great happens without risk. That’s true about our relationships as well. I’m not sure it’s a byproduct of maturity, personality, the fact I’m from another culture, or a combination of all of it, but I have found myself taking more risks in my relationships lately. The response has been worth the risk.

It’s easier and safer to walk alongside my male friends while keeping the relationship on a shallow, trivial level. We men are great at that. We can talk about sports, work, training, and our troubles with women all day long. As a matter of fact, we can spend time with someone for years and never really know them. The American male relational protocol perpetuates this mindset: keep it interesting, keep it light, and keep surface. Introspection, after all, is the stuff of the other gender; the one we do not understand.

I believe we all need to share our stories, to let someone know what’s really going on within our hearts, even the American male. Most men I know are not forthcoming with personal matters. Instead of talking openly about their struggles, they drop small hints in conversation that most of the time go unnoticed.

In the past few years I have made a point to follow up on my instincts. It’s not uncommon for me to send a text or email to a friend about something they said, or a reaction to an item in our conversation. I have found that most of the time my hunch happens to be on the right track and the reply back opens the door for a a whole new dialogue–a much more meaningful exchange.

Cultural biases aside, we all need to find safe people in our lives whom we can share part of our journey. Sometimes the safest person is a new friendship that is not entangled in a deep web of friends, family and work, someone who listens, understands and walks alongside us for a season.

Following up on my instincts has given me the opportunity to become that safe person to some of my friends. In return, however, I have had some of the most honest and powerful conversations with men I had not known for long. As it often happens, these exchanges have been as meaningful to me as they have been to my friends, perhaps even more so to me.

The easier thing to do is ignore the subtle hints during a frivolous banter or to change subject when something serious breaks a humorous conversation. But these are missed opportunities to bless and be blessed, to become a safe person to a someone who needs a true friend, even though he might not know what all that means and how desperately he truly needs a friend.

I know that when I share part of my journey, my struggles and even some of the junk that I work hard to keep hidden, I invite someone into an honest exchange that has the potential of making us both better men. And that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Have you ever reached out to someone you barely knew? What happened?

August 30, 2011
Management Lesson from My Teeth

My teeth have recently taught me a management lesson I have known for years but had neglected. I have a love/hate relationship with my teeth. While most people start having tooth issues late in life, mine started early in my teenage years. I’ve had braces, root canals, crowns, oral surgeries and not because I refused to brush and floss, but because my parents passed down some pretty bad genes. However, the point here is not sympathy for my plight, which I hope to garner some, but the management lesson I was recently reminded of. Here it is: when you neglect the team in order to focus on an under-performing member, the entire organization suffers.

A couple of years ago I started having problems with number 11 (in case you don’t know, number 11 is your right left canine tooth). My dentist told me to “baby it” and gave me a special rinse with a special syringe so I could work on it morning and evening. And I did. I traveled all over the world with my extra rinse flossing, brushing and taking care of my under-performing tooth. I even learned to chew my food on the right side of my mouth. I did it for almost two years.

What I did not realize, however, that the rest of my teeth weren’t getting enough love and attention from me. They continued to carry the heavy load and maintained the bright smile. But all was not well.

Even after all my care and attention number 11 did not make it. It had to be removed and a bone graft and implant put in its place. After all of that drama my dental hygienist said I now needed “deep cleaning’ my gums because I had neglected the rest of the guys. So hundreds of dollars later and two sessions of blasting, prodding and whatever else “deep cleaning” does, I’m on the road of recovery.

Too frequently, we manage people the same way. Instead of giving our attention and resources to those who are doing well so that they can do better and accomplish more, we tend to spend most of our time and effort with the under performer. We look over their shoulders, check their work constantly, we don’t trust them with much, and they take the bulk of our preoccupation. Often the result is the same as my number 11 tooth: they ended up gone and the team weakened from our neglect.

Have you ever spent a lot of time and effort with someone only to see them not make it? What happened?

August 29, 2011
How to Buy Pants
How much, what brand, and even what style of pants does not matter as much as how well they fit you. Pants have more of an impact on how a guy looks than any other clothing item. Ill-fitting slacks will make you look bad no matter how nice and expensive your shirt or jacket are. When buying pants, make sure you try them on and that you can see what’s happening behind you. I have seen some horrific sights that I’m sure the offender never saw happening at the back. Here’s a guide on how to find the right size of of pants.

Most men’s pants are sized with two numbers: waist and inseam measurement, in that order.
- Measure your waist by wrapping a tape measure around your torso wherever you want your pants to fall. Keep a finger or two between the tape measure and you, so that you have a bit of breathing room and space to tuck your shirt in.
- Measure your inseam by taking a tape measure up your leg (or letting someone else do it) and running it to where you want the crotch of your pants to lie. That height is your inseam. Make sure to measure along your leg and directly perpendicular to the floor on up.
- You should end up with dimensions, in inches, that look something like 30×32. That is your pant size.
- To get fancier, if you want to calculate the rise of your pants, it’s the distance from the crotch to the waist. It will dictate how high your pants sit. Many pants will come in low- ,medium- and high-rise options. If your pants are above your waist, that’s high rise, at your waist is medium and below your waist is low rise.
pants cinched at the waits cannot look good on anyone. Don't even go there. Just say no!

if I have to point out what's wrong with this picture, this blog is probably not for you. So thankful we don't have a frontal shot of this one.

no matter the style or color, a well-fitted pair of pants will make you look much better.

What’s your favorite pair of pants right now? Why?
August 26, 2011
My New Stranger Strategy

What would it happen if I made a habit of walking up to a complete strangers and introducing myself? In the past few months I have tried to be intentional about doing just that. I have done it in airports, at the gym, and restaurants. I had no idea of what to expect. Would people be annoyed? Would they look at me with the you-are-creeping-me-out stare? Would they dismiss or ignore me? Not really. People’s reactions have surprised me.

The great majority of people seem genuinely glad to have a brief personal dialogue with a perfect stranger. I believe human beings are created to be part of a shared existence, part of community. It’s easy to be in the middle of a room filled with people and to be alone, go to work everyday and not connect with anyone, walk around a large gym, see the same people for months or even years and never connect with anyone. Could a friendly smile and small talk from a stranger, actually make a difference? Most definitely.

I have exchanged travel nightmare stories with fellow travellers. I have commiserated with parents of teenage boys about the challenges we face. I have learned new exercise routines from guys I’ve met at the gym. Unexpectedly, I have made new friends simply because I took the time to introduce myself and began a conversation that would eventually blossom into a friendship.

Most of these exchanges have been rewarding, some of them might even become life changing. Time will tell. But none of them would ever happen without breaking that first awkward moment of silence and purposely entering someone else’s world.

This whole experiment has helped changed my perception of people and even my vocabulary. I no longer look at those whom I don’t know as “strangers.” They are now friends I have not yet met.

How difficult is it for you to introduce yourself to someone new?

August 24, 2011
Becoming a Change Agent

I often intuitively know what a person or organization needs to do to get where they want to be. Most of the times, I realize they cannot get there on one step, sometimes they cannot get there at all. Early in my career, I was frustrated by the inability of those around me to change. It took me a long time, however to learn that my expectations were unreasonable and that change is a much slower and costlier process than I gave it credit.

One of the toughest lessons in life for me was learning the pace in which people are able and willing to change. I’m not sure that I have a full grasp on it, but I have made strides since my early 20s when I entered the workforce. Back then the world was much simpler. Things were a lot more black and white than they are today.

If it’s broken, fix it.

If it’s is not a good program, then kill it.

If it’s not making money, replace it.

If he’s not performing, fire him.

If you’re screwing up, stop it.

If you’re struggling in your faith, get right with God.

Easier said than done. Much easier said than done.

While my goal remains the same, to get people to where the need to be, my tactics have changed over time. I still evaluate the road ahead but I also take in consideration the individual and/or the organization’s willingness to pay the price to change and its ability to move forward.

Sometimes I meet with the reluctant leader who knows he needs to make a change, but is still not sold. Small steps, easy and often irrelevant wins most likely will bring the person along before any strategic move is made. At times I meet leaders who are more than ready to charge the hills with a bold new initiative whose team are not ready or able to handle it. Those are tough conversations, but they need to know the true cost of their vision before embarking in a tough season of disappointment and potential high turn over.

I’m not a patient man, but I understand the pain that personal and organizational change can cause. I have seen it. I have experienced it. So today as I walk with leaders young and old, I’m thinking like a coach, “how far can I really push them? How much ground can we cover during this season?”

Have you been frustrated with a boss or friend because they were not willing to make a change to what was so obvious to you? How did you handle it?

August 23, 2011
Wrestling with Discontent

“If I am not moving forward, I know I am sliding backwards.” That’s a cliche for many, but it’s a foundational truth for me. Some label it discontent, or ungratefulness, others personal growth. I have come to the realization it can be both a lack of gratitude or a great opportunity to grow and reaching new personal heights. The difference has everything to do with our motivation.

No one would ever accomplish greatness without challenging the status quo. The inner drive to take us beyond where we have been, beyond our own perceived limitations comes from within, and I believe is from God. But even this part of our divined-inspired nature can be corrupted. In this case, replacing our God-given drive to become better at who we and what we do, to grow, and even accomplish the impossible with the search for happiness and significance is the difference between personal growth and ungrateful discontent.

Please, don’t settle. Keep pushing. But also realize that there is not a pot of gold at the end of your personal-accomplishments rainbow that will make you happy. Our achievements cannot do that. While they can bring a certain amount of joy into our lives, their enjoyment is temporary at best. Soon we’ll find ourselves discontent, yet again.

Recently I was struggling with some of my personal goals. I finally had an honest conversation with myself and began examining the motivation behind them. I had put too much weight on the pay off, knowing that even if I accomplished all of them, they could never give me the satisfaction I needed.

Have you ever pursued something (even a someone) that turned out to be a disappointment? How did it impact you?

August 22, 2011
Should I Match Socks to Shoes or Pants?

Fashion Friday returns with the age-old question: “should I match my socks to my pants or shoes?” I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve answered this. People at the gym ask me that at least once a week. As a rule, you should match your socks to your pants and not your shoes.

Why? you might ask. Mainly because it just looks better. If you match your socks to your trousers, then you have a streamlined look from your waist all the way down to your shoes. If you match them to your shoes, however, you can get the booty look where your pants have the illusion of ending around your ankles and your shoe/sock/booty combination begins. It makes your legs look shorter and your call attention to your ankles, or cankles (the combination of calf+ankle in one unsightly, unnatural organ).

There are a few exceptions. (Yep, you didn’t think it was that easy, did you?) You can match your socks to your shirt, tie and even a pocket square. But this is not for the fashion timid. When in doubt, match your socks to the pants and you’ll be fine.

So this guy is not matching his socks with anything. While it might work in more cosmopolitan environments, it doesn't work for most everyday wear. When in doubt , don't go there.

NO!!!!

Love the color combination but don't care for the cuffs. This is not for the timid or an accountant.

You can try this look. but people will think, 1) you are color blind 2) you lost a bet 3) you are single

How do you feel about matching socks to a tie or pocket square?

August 19, 2011
Don’t Spiritualize Your Management Problems, Fix Them

A lot of bad decisions get blamed on God. In my years of consulting, I have run into poorly managed organizations with broken systems, ineffective workers, and bad strategies. All of them can be fixed. Well almost. There’s the spiritual trump card that stops any effort cold: “I feel God wants me to do it this way,” or “God has not released me to do that.”

While I understand that sometimes God calls us to do the impossible, to pursue goals and dreams that most people will never understand, I believe that God gets blamed for people’s fears, insecurities, and downright incompetence. Really.

Borrowing more money than you should, hiring the wrong person for the job, mismanaging people, failing to do due diligence on a deal, are not spiritual issues. They are management and leadership problems.

We don’t need to pray about firing an employee who has stolen from the organization, but leaders often agonize about letting people go who don’t perform, are not loyal, and who steal from the ministry by constantly robbing everyone by their lack of contribution or negative attitude. There’s a big difference between being ruthless and uncaring and being passive, fearful or disengaged.

There’s a misguided martyred syndrome that religious leaders tend fall prey of in order to hide the their lack of management and leadership skills. Sometimes I want to say: I hate to break it to you, but it’s not God allowing Satan to test you. This is your mess. Own up to it and let’s fix it.

Have you ever seen management problems spiritualized? What happened?

August 17, 2011
Life Fleeting

Life is precious. We are not guaranteed tomorrow on this earth. Those two thoughts came rushing into my mind as I read an email today about the passing of Gary “Shoe Shine Guy” Armstrong. He was found dead in his apartment over the weekend. Gary was 51.

I saw him this past Friday afternoon at his usual spot at the bottom of the main staircase at the Maryland Farms YMCA. I had a pair of shoes for him to shine this morning, but he was not there. Since 2003 Gary had worked at the same spot, and over the years I gave him a lot of business. It will be strange going down the stairs and not hearing Gary’s soundtrack of 60, 70 and 80 tunes in his old-school stereo he setup every day. Interestingly, Gary had a blog with only four entries from April of 2007. I only discovered it today as I googled his name. He was a surprisingly good writer. Even though I saw Gary everyday, there’s so much about him I never knew.

I knew of Gary’s past heart issues, but I never saw this coming. No one did. We never do. But the reality of our own mortality just hit home again for me. Life is truly brief and tomorrow is not a guarantee. At moments like these I think of

the love that I need to share,

the appreciation that I need to show,

the Kindness that I need to return,

the adventures that I need to pursue,

the stories that I need to write,

the dreams that I need to fulfill,

the battles that I need to fight,

the wrongs I need to right,

the faith I need to share,

the legacy that I need to leave.

If you knew you had a month to live, what would be on the top of your to do list?

August 16, 2011