Best Defense Against an Insult

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The best defense to an insult is a greater insult, but not back to the person who slighted you, but to yourself.

The inherent problem with an insult is that often we don’t know if it’s meant as a joke in poor taste, a true put down wrapped in a joke for the passive aggressive or a true ugly slight.  Before I figured out how to deal with these, I found myself in no-win situations. If it was meant as a joke and I over reacted, I would come across as an insecure jerk. If the put down was wrapped in a joke and I called the person on it, they would quickly remind me “I’m just kidding. Where’s your sense of humor?” And if it was meant as insult, it was most likely there to bait me into an argument or a fight at the wrong place and time.

Years ago I decided on a different approach: taking the insult a step further.  It has worked well. The approach makes me come across self-deprecating and humorous. It usually says, “hey you think you can insult me? I can do it better than you. Watch this.” Here’s a couple of come backs I have used in the past.

Unfriendly negotiator: “I don’t think you’re worth that much money.”

Me neither, but for some reason crazy reason people are willing to pay it.

Guy at the gym: “It takes you longer to get ready than most women.”

I know. If I looked half as good as you I could do it much faster.

Usually there’s no come back when you take their put down and turn it up a notch. I find that for those watching the exchange, you’ll come across endearing and funny while the other person not so much.

How do you deal with insults?

 

  • Mark Jeffress

    I like your approach. Don you think you should confront people who insult you for no matter the reason, however? 

    • Yes I do. But most often you need to be removed from the situation so that emotions are not running high and you won’t regret keep your cool.

  • Shari

    I personally don’t like self-depracating humor, and while sarcasm can be funny, it is often hurtful. To an ‘unfriendly negotiator’ who says you’re not worth that much money, I would respond with a question asking how he determines value… with the bottom line or with results? It’s a business decision. To the guy at the gym stereotyping women, I would just smile and move on without a reply. Anyway… my 2 cents.

    • I used to have a boss who wanted to engage in a fight whenever his mood swings took him to a bad place. His statements like the one of the unfriendly negotiator was meant to elicit the response you suggested: a defense of my performance. Years later I figured out that I spent a lot of my time justifying something I didn’t needed to. He just wanted someone to argue and beat up. One day I used sarcasm and got him off my back. I told him: “You’re right I do the least amount of work possible. As a matter of fact, you just cut in to my nap.” He stormed out and never bothered me with the same argument again.

    • I used to have a boss who wanted to engage in a fight whenever his mood swings took him to a bad place. His statements like the one of the unfriendly negotiator was meant to elicit the response you suggested: a defense of my performance. Years later I figured out that I spent a lot of my time justifying something I didn’t needed to. He just wanted someone to argue and beat up. One day I used sarcasm and got him off my back. I told him: “You’re right I do the least amount of work possible. As a matter of fact, you just cut in to my nap.” He stormed out and never bothered me with the same argument again.

  • Steven Shantz

    Maurilio, that’s a great way to deal with an insult. I wish I could think that fast on my feet. I usually come up with a good comeback 10 minutes later. I do use one technique with “lion” personalities when I feel they’ve insulted me. I say something like: “wow, that sounded like a put down, can you explain what you meant by that comment?” Sometimes the person will back down and say they didn’t mean it that way.

    • That’s a good one Steve. Ultimately, we need to confront people who insult us and that’s a great way to call them on it.

    • That’s a good one Steve. Ultimately, we need to confront people who insult us and that’s a great way to call them on it.

  • Grrr. You had to write this today didn’t you?
    I’m not the best when it comes to dealing with insults, but I know what you share is true. I find that when I pause for just a second and realize how my reaction will impact the outcome that the creative self-insult holds more power.

    • The self insult takes the power from the other person and puts it back in your hands. It says you’re secure enough not to be bothered by it.

    • The self insult takes the power from the other person and puts it back in your hands. It says you’re secure enough not to be bothered by it.

  • Christian

    I curl up in to a little ball and cry hot tears of sorrow. Don’t you remember? People looked at us and wondered why you were pointing your finger at me and laughing so loud.

    • Uh, I wrote this blog because of all your daily insults at the gym.

      • Christian

        That which does not break you makes you less of a sissy.

  • I’m not always the best with handling insults, but in recent years, I’ve taken more of your approach in coming back with an even bigger insult towards myself. It usually leaves the true insulters stunned and speechless. The perfect result.

  • This is great advice. I also find that humility works  well when someone pays me a compliment.

  • Me? Insults? Oh Lord, heelllllllllpppppp! I get outright bipolar on ’em. then i gotta eat crow and take full responsibility for my ugly responses, pray for forgiveness, and usually, with egg on my face, make some sort of verbal amends  🙁 …but God can change the water of my life into Wine!

    • “outright bipolar on’em” I’ve got to remember that line. It’s going to come handy soon. 🙂

  • Having others insult me is not hard for me to deal with and I try to use the approach you’ve mentioned when I can think fast enough. Sometimes I just use silence and let it hang in the air. That makes people uncomfortable.

    Where I have trouble is when I’ve said something that comes across as harsh, whether I was trying to or not. I sometimes try to defuse those moments with self-deprecating humor, but with less success. I need to find a better way to handle those slips.

    • Can one be a programmer and not say harsh things? I thought that was part of the job requirement. 🙂 I hope you can find your inner humor but silence can be a powerful weapon. I just can’t seem to shut up long enough to use it.

  • Great post! Definitely something I want to work on. This is a great approach to handling insults. So many times I know we would like to defend ourselves, but overreacting can make us look foolish in the event the other person was joking. Not knowing where an apparent insult is coming from, this a good way to deal with it, though I know I could use some more practice. 🙂

  • Great post! Definitely something I want to work on. This is a great approach to handling insults. So many times I know we would like to defend ourselves, but overreacting can make us look foolish in the event the other person was joking. Not knowing where an apparent insult is coming from, this a good way to deal with it, though I know I could use some more practice. 🙂

  • I like to use one of the tips my mother taught me growing up:  “Kill ’em with kindness.” –

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