Top 10 Worst Church Lines: Notes from a Church Secret Shopper
I have attended hundreds of church services as a church secret shopper. I’ve had thousands of conversations with volunteers, staff and visitors. Here’s my list of the top 10 worst things people said to me:
10. “Excuse me, but you’re sitting in my seat” It seems cliche but it happens more often than you think.
9. “ya’ not from around here, are ya?” Older man said to me after I asked directions to the restroom. I didn’t respond, but I was thinking: “What gave it away? having all my teeth?”
8. “Follow the blue line. It’s kinda of complicated. Good luck.” Said the two men sitting inside the information kiosk before turning to each other and finishing their conversation. They pointed to a board on the wall with multiple color lines leading to different locations on campus.
7. “Nazarenes are a lot like the Baptists, but holier,” middle aged man at a Nazarene church when I asked him the difference between a Nazarene and a Baptist church.
6. “You’re the prettiest thang I ever seen!” I’m not telling you who said it.
5. “We Lutherans are a homely bunch.” A greeter at a Lutheran church as I asked more information about her church. She was right.
4. “I don’t know anything. I can’t really help you. This is my first day at the information table and the person who was going to train me didn’t show up.”
3. “I’ve got dresses that are older than you!” I don’t really remember how I got into this one, but does it really matter?
2. “It must be a special day, I see a lot of strangers here today.” Misguided Music minister during a Sunday morning greeting time. (note that I didn’t say Worship Leader). No warm and fuzzies for this stranger.
1.
“Hey, Mister, come back here! You’re not Catholic, are you? Give me the wafer back!”
A Catholic Priest on the rightful suspicion I was impersonating a catholic worshiper during communion. Doeh.
I’m sure you have a favorite line you got at church. Please DO share!
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15 Comments:
Son, your head is too big. Please seat in the back row.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:27 am
Does anyone have a Bible here?(Pastor from the pulpit at beginning of sermon…sorry to say, it was me….)
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:36 am
"Let everything that has BREASTS, praise ye the Lord" I actually said that from the pulpit once. Oh, I never recovered.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 am
True story: I get a tug after a church service on my shoulder from a man behind me and this elderly gentleman asks me if I'm new, whether I'm a good Christian man and then asks me if I'm married … because he wanted to set me up with this "nice young lady" he knows.
February 3rd, 2009 at 10:56 am
not to mention getting picked up by an "alternative lifestyle" man at my own church while my wife was standing 5 ft away.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:00 am
@Scott,All I can say is that you must be one good looking dude.
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
"When I was 7 months' pregnant with my first child the pastor's mother (who attended our church) came up to me at my baby shower and said, "Well, you don't even look pregnant. You just look like a little fat girl!" I have NEVER forgotten that one!"
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
"Jesus Wept…do you know why He wept? Because He saw our offering totals for last week."Another one was a prayer at a church in Philly…it lasted about 20 minutes long and consisted of phrases like, "Lord, please help the poor single people in the church…they are lonely…just looking for anyone to love them…". Seriously, I wanted to slit my own wrists by the time it was over!"
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
This isn't nearly as bad or as obvious as some of the others, but…"We're a family church." Oh really? So can you marry in or do you have to share DNA with the other members?
February 3rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
"The anointing is not in technological advances" so get out of your chat rooms."
February 3rd, 2009 at 9:18 pm
From a men's ministry leader…"I have a PASSION for men." Followed by a really awkward silence and snickers from the teens.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:08 am
"Satan has the world wrapped in his testicles" (pastor meant to say tentacles)"Moses take your feet off, you're standing on holy ground!" (a misquote)"We don't speak in thongs here" (pastor made a Freudian slip?)
February 10th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
"Happy FLippin Father's Day" from our pastor at the start of Father's Day service.
February 24th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
I was visiting a church and the youth were sharing about their summer trips. There was a guest band leading worship. The youth pastor got up and said, "Aren't these guys great? I wish we could have them every week."I just thought to myself, "Man, I would hate to be the worship leader today who is apparently not as good as this rock band. Way to support your team."
March 4th, 2009 at 7:05 am
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April 6th, 2009 at 5:55 am